2004-07-07-7:30 a.m.
John was fat. He was fat but not jolly. Jolly fat men would always hold their blubber bellies and laugh in response to anything. They would constantly wink at you to say that they were Santa incognito and wanted you to know that you were getting DVDs as a gift. People never disliked jolly folks because when you got hugged by one and their blubber surrounded you, it was warm and nice and you didn't panic about being trapped.

John never laughed. Whenever someone said anything to him, he'd scrunch up his face, press out his lips, and belch. John's left eye twitched causing paranoia wherever he went and made small children cry. The children would stop crying when they realized John smelt like a dumpster with dead animals in it. The smell prevented many people from hugging John but mostly they were afraid of being trapped. Some claimed that they saw a small arm waving its hand out of his gut.

All this never effected John and he was quite unaware of his problems most of his life. He wasn't a pondering man. When it came to people running away from him yelling, "the smell", he never sat to think that he smelled. Until one day he wobbled past a pie shop that was giving away free pumpkin pies to all jolly fat men. John loved pumpkin pie, he'd kill for it. Only reading the part that said 'free' on it, he went into the store to receive his pie. The baker, upon seeing him enter, went into a fury and said to John, "No, no sir! That sign outside said 'jolly' and you aren't jolly. Your not even jovial or jubilant or jocund so how could you be jolly?" John for the first time in his life realized how unjolly he was and asked the baker how he could be jolly. The baker replied that one can't be jolly in a day because it took much conditioning, training, and determination to be jolly. The serious ones who wanted to be jolly were rumored to attend SCU (Santa Claus University) to get their doctorate in jollyness. John though had no way of going to the North Pole in a day because then the free pie offer would expire. He left the shop determined to get that pie.

John went to the local library to research famous jolly men. He read about how Santa was a simple German man who out of the goodness of his heart would give children gifts. Then one day walking by a lake, he saw a woman's hand sticking out the water with a candy cane in her hand. He ran into the water and took the candy cane because he knew that he was choosen by the gods. The next morning he realized that his belly girth was significantly larger and that he had the power to command midgets and reindeers with his candy cane.

John, inspired by such an amazing story, reached into his pocket to find an old sticky piece of candy. He went over to the first child he saw and said, "Here you go lad, I want to give you this candy out of the goodness of my heart." The child gagged-vomited and replied, "The smell!" The child then ran away without taking the candy. At this point, John started to realize that the smell that everyone yelled about might be him.

Wobbling to his one room apartment, John went into the bathroom and looked at his shower. Hundreds of cockroaches ran out of the bathtub and up the walls as John turned the rusted H knob to the left. He didn't bother taking off his clothes because he figured that they needed a washing as well. Stepping into the shower, John just stood under the showerhead for 5 minutes not realizing that one needs soap and shampoo to complete the shower.

Not bothering to dry off, John sat on the floor trying to think what else he could do to be jolly. He stayed motionless for hours and it was as if he was asleep with his eyes open or had a seizure that froze his entire face in one position. He thought of a single idea during those hours: jolly men laugh. In front of a mirror that had cracks, John tried a laugh but what came out was a belch. He put his hands on his waist and tilted his head back, opening his mouth, but nothing came out this time. Then he grabbed his blubber but he only wheezed. Sitting down on the floor again, he was about to give up but then suddenly he had an idea. John started calling out, "ha ha ha ha ha." His laughter had the appeal of nails on a chalk board.

With the sun going down, John had to hurry to the pie shop to claim his reward. He wobbled into the shop just as the baker was putting on his overcoat and hat. John said to him, "Look baker, I am a very jolly man!"

"How so? Prove it."

John told about how, only out of the goodness of his heart, he gave candy to a child, about the shower, and about his laughter. The baker said he could believe the goodness-thing but he didn't believe the shower because John now smelt like mildew. The baker told John that if he could produce a jolly laugh that the pumpkin pie would be his. John started to "ha ha ha" but the baker covered his ears and yelled for him to stop.

"No, no! That isn't jolly laughter. You sir, will never be jolly and you will not get that free pumpkin pie. Good-day."

John started to make whiny puppy noises and said to the baker, "But I spent all my effort to be jolly and now no pumpkin pie?"

"I told you it takes much effort to be jolly. Now get out, I need to lock up my shop."

John's face scrunched up and he whispered, "No pie?" He then grabbed the baker and his fat body started to envelop around the baker. The baker screamed as he was pulled into him. The bakers arm was the only limb twitching out of him till finally the arm stopped moving and sank into the fat.

People say that all the pumpkin pie in the shop was gone and that John was never seen again. From that moment on children were told by their parents never to hug a jolly man.

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