2004-06-02-1:36 a.m.
It's getting harder to talk to Susan now that she is in Hawaii. Whenever she calls, she's always on the go somewhere. I know lots of people who never have time to talk and will just hang up.

"Idon'thavetimetotalkrightnowgotogobyyyyyye!" ZOOOM!

Susan will call and will just go about her activities while talking to me. It's sorta comical, like the phone is me really hanging out in Hawaii. I don't mind though, I think it's sweet she will call even though she is on vacation. If I went to Europe, I'd probably never call anyone and be on a milk carton in no time.

But you know what I realized lately? The people that love us the most don't always tell us they love us. Sometimes they won't even show they love us. No wonder people feel that no one loves them, they never see or hear it. People might be afraid to get close. We are a very seperate society, we don't approve of others messing with our shit. There is much distance and tension. But they love us. They can't touch your shoulder, hug you, say those words that they care but they would send love during tragedy or cry for hours at your funeral.

I don't know, people are just human. It's hard for them to really show something personal. It's was very hard to tell Susan I thought she was beautiful. I stummbled over my words for at least 5 minutes while talking to her. It would be hard to go over to anyone in my martial arts group and say that they mean a lot to me, for helping me out. I could never imagine having a heart to heart with Jason Sensei.

Jason: "What are you? A fucking pussy?"

But the man has soul, he just refuses to let it out. Even Mark, who is very reserved and quiet won't say what's very deep inside.

I use to think (think too much?) that people's aloofness meant they didn't like me. Then I realized how open I was (ironically, the con-artist taught me that, even though I want to stick my sword into shoulder blade and stir him like he was a jar of peanut butter) and that I gave away too much too quickly. It was unhealthy. Human beings each have their poker hand, they reveal what they have in time. Each card revealed at the right time. You can't demand at the beginning of a poker game for them to show their hand and you can't go around showing your own hand. Our own personalities are special and rare, we can't just give them away at the drop of a dime. That's like having sex with anyone. It's something special and if it's given away then it's made cheap and it never obtains the human experience it could have been.

Susan calls everyday and I sometimes beat her in calling by dialing first. She gets as close as possible to show that she cares. With one's friends, they might be distant but they haven't forgoten about you. I now appreciate both relationships more than I ever did before.

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