2004-06-01-12:40 a.m.
Back from Training Camp. It was amazing. We'll talk about that later though; lots of other things on my mind.

(Oh yah, Richard. If Judo is fucking up your body, you should probably quit. Actually, everyone in Judo has some type of bodily injury. Personally, I'm not a big fan of commercial dojos because they cost an arm and a leg and they have crappy instructors. If anything, find a dojo that is non-profit. Those instructors actually give their life for that art! Cuong Nhu isn't in the UK but I'm sure some university or somewhere along the grape vine there is a good nonprofit nonpopular style. Personally, I've enjoyed the couple of Japanese styles I've run into and they have the work out you might be looking for with grappling and open-hand styles. Good luck with your recovery.)

*We now return to our regularly scheduled entry.*

I like Kat's guestbook entry. Kat and Richard are the only people I know about that read the diary. I mean, it's not their Bible, but they stop in for a bit and dabble in the insanity. The rest are ghost, who according to the counter, stay for about 0.00 secs. Not sure how one can scan a page in 0 seconds. Of course, sometimes you get a ghost who stays for at least 30 minutes, but that might just be me typing in an entry. Of course Susan reads but she's going to be a real person in my life soon. Not that the rest of you aren't real. It's just that if I can't smell your bad breath or see how you miss matched your clothing this morning, you're far far away. You can't be a lover if you can't touch by saying "I love you." People need to touch as lovers, it's giving. And you can't be real unless you're with them. The second that we stop in front of each other and say "hello" a relationship forms between human beings and then it's real.

Maybe I'm just trying to say I"m a visual learner. A life becomes more real if someone is sitting next to me and pouring out their heart. It's just like saying that I'm this diary. Not true, I'm so much more than what I'm type, this is only a fraction. People are more in different situations. People are different in dark cozy rooms or during times of saddness. The aspects of a human being are very complex. So in person,or over the phone or over email or through a picture or through several pictures or through art or from the light hitting on someone's face just right we learn a little bit more about humanity or the uniquness of a single individual.

Thinking. Everything in moderation, that's the unoffical golden rule. Humans need to think, they can't live without thinking abstractly. Yet we do think too much in the abstract. The abstract leads to creativity but we seem to forget about the concrete of life (using Piaget words btw.) We can't help but make assumptions about the abstract problems of our life.

Does she like me? Maybe she thinks I'm ugly? I don't think I can do it? They won't want to talk to me.

Lots of abstract ideas floating around. They are abstract because they have no physical anchor for them to be true. The problems of our life are abstracts because we constantly chew on them in our heads. We think about them until we dig a hole too deep.

We really shouldn't think. For sure, never second guess yourself. Jason Sensei told me if someone asks you 'do you think you could kick my ass?' say yes, even if you know you can't. Because why second guess yourself? Are you really going to say no? What if after you said no, he then threw the first punch? You just lost even before the punch lands. The second guess kills the spirit. Lets stop talking about this though, I'm tired of thinking about thinking.

I want to talk to Susan. I wish she would call me back soon. She always calls me. She told me she visited her X in Hawaii and then she got quiet. I seriously thought that I was about to get dumped because it was just setup that way. I trust Susan. Her personality is one I can trust and lately I don't trust many. A guy in a Subway who was black and ironically wearing the same clothing the Con-Artist was wearing. Except his face was ugly and worn while the Con-Artist had a very fresh face. He tried talking to me and all I did was nod-nod-nod-nod-sure-right. He eventually went away and I didn't give him a word. Now I don't trust bums or strangers who are black. I'm not biased, I'm just closed hearted now. I sometimes forget/deny that the world is a place for people to be swallowed up in.

But I trust Susan because I've talked to her enough to fall for her personality. I do worry about her sometimes. She has a lot of stress right now. I'm worried right now because her X talked bad to her and she is very upset. Why is it the people we love the most feel that they deserve the right to inflict the most pain? Such bitterness, they don't truely love, it's selfish. Everyone is a little to blame, no one side is correct. But one must accept what happens and then move on. Why must we try to prove ourselves, elevate our pride, seek revenge? It's because we can't accept truth or know that at that moment in life we were exposed as weak.

OK, I'm calling her at 2am if she doesn't call back soon. Cause I know she is always afraid of waking me up. That is one pillar in Judaism about not waking up sleeping people because one would be stealing their life away. Those little things make me like her more all the time. I've never met a girl who was really really concerned about my sleep. She tells me to lay down when I'm shit-facted. It's nice.

Enough for now: Training Camp stuff tommorow.

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