2004-05-24-1:15 a.m.
That question about not having drinking buddies, it rings a sour note in my mind. When I hear Susan talk about meeting people that know her and she knows them, or when people tell me they are having a get-together with best friends or diaries that have a "cast" link with all the players in their life. All these things don't reflect anything in my life. And I had to sit down and start to think why because I've been very use to my recluse lifestyle recently. Recluse in that my cell phone never rings unless it's Susan or my Sister who is only calling to find out where Mom and Dad are at. Recluse in that I've moved out of the dorms and now I have a very small room (that is being cleaned of all the memories of junk) with many books and a computer for typing. Recluse in that I don't have a strong urge to go out drinking and hitting on random women, dancing with them. But now I go to a small bar with a jazz piano and drink till I'm buzzed and then dance alone in the middle of a crowd of people.

Why is this so? Why don't I care? Maybe loving Vanessa. It made me love a lot and then it killed me and now I'm indifferent. Human relationships seem vain now. Maybe because most of my life I've been very isolated. Being religious for 5 years does exclude you from a lot of people. I've always hated that.

Kafka is becoming my main author now. My writing style is leaning more towards his. Even his ideas on loneliness make sense and are appealing. I guess I'll never have a strong group of friends now because:

1. I love Kafka

2. I'm a writter

3. I don't believe in strong relationships anymore.

Maybe being alone isn't as bad as it seems. Not sure. For now, this seems to be the path laid out for myself. Thankfully, there are no people knocking at my door for a "hello" or even a "goodbye."

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