2004-05-22-5:39 p.m.
"My peers, lately, have found companionship through means of intoxication--it makes them sociable. I, however, cannot force myself to use drugs to cheat on my loneliness--it is all that i have--and when the drugs and alcohol dissipate, will be all that my peers have as well." (Kafka)

********************************

Last entry, was in a drunken slump.

As always, I type how I feel even if the world frowns or shins get kicked. This has to be my santuary for my feelings to be released, no matter who reads.

So we're going to talk about Susan again. I must be phobic of people now because I don't understand why the girl likes me. Of course, I really like her. Her name pops into my head when I'm not thinking about anything.

(Hey, how come random 15 year old kids keep messaging my msn account? =P )

Right, so I'm into Susan, no problem. It's just odd because she feels the same way. I'm in disbelief. She calls me every day and even says that I should call her sometime.

I just don't want to buy into the idea that someone could fall head-over-heels for me. No one has ever felt that way about me. Well, Tovah did but I didn't 'love' her. And Evon cared about me but yet really didn't care because of some hang-ups.

This is just some really good dream that is going to feel like a stick to the testicles in the end.

Something is going to happen to mess this up. Or it's not going to go well.

Not that there is any reason for it to not go well. Susan is very intelligent, caring, very human with heart. I think that's what I like about her the most, her down to earth human side.

But what does she like about me? I've talked to 100s of girls and they all kinda smile and say:

"I'll give you my number but I won't pick up."

I don't have low judgements of my abilities. I know I'm attractive. Martial Arts in general has made me want to work harder, to push myself more. I care about people, I even care about the people that I could just brush aside. I helped a stranger who was poor get a job. I hugged Vanessa when her brother died. I didn't have to do any of those things. Vanessa crushed my heart, I could have just walked away and let her other friends help her. I'm smart. Even the things I look stupid in, I know how to quickly improve.

OK, I have a lot of things going for me. Maybe those other girls didn't want that or didn't see that. Maybe Susan saw something she liked.

Or maybe the girls here are just different or the majority aren't cognitive yet. Who knows. Susan asked why I don't have any drinking friends and I just don't have any close friends in general. Why? I guess no one has appealed to me. Or maybe I've just enjoyed being a recluse with my writting and my reading. I love talking to people, understanding them, listening to them... but I can't think of one who I would want to share myself with. Of course, Susan is the only person right now that comes to mind, we talk a lot especially when Susan has something on her mind because she'll talk, in great detail, about it. A friend though? Ari? He's 50. Vanessa? Still too old and besides she just reminds me of bad times. I went out with April and David J but we didn't really talk about anything special. And they are my peers for Fiction Workshop. Maybe Carl, because he's intelligent yet dramatically different from myself. I feel sorta like a weakling around him because he grew up in the ghetto of St Augustine. But he believes in past lives and I think that's just silly. OK, I could go drinking with Carl but you couldn't take Carl to a strip club (inside joke.)

I really want Susan to come down and have a drink with me. I desire her company. I feel the past catching up to me, it says this will end in quick heart break like all the rest. Nothing last forever though. It's only a fear, a voice of doubt in the back of my mind. I've just never had anyone want to be with me.

previous - next