2004-05-18-6:02 p.m.
Susan is reading my diary now. Sorta scary :) Everyone else I gave this diary to turned out to be a stalker or X-lover. Thankfully, with enough ignoring they all went away. Who knows, I'm sure they come back every now and again to read. Scary...

But I don't mind risking my personal self with people. This is a semi-private environment. I'll exclude regular people I know from this diary but people I really want to have a relationship with, I'll give it to. But then, when months pass and you find out you don't want that deep relationship anymore... they still have your diaryland code!

But Susan is a sweet girl. She doesn't have any apparent hang ups like all the other girls I've known. And now I feel responsible to make good choices in women. The last couple months taught me to wake up. I have small expectations, not large.

It sucks. In the past I've always thought "Oh yah, she's the one." And it ended up shitty. That was a large expecation. I have no idea what the future holds.

It could be that Susan and I won't talk again a month from now.

It could be that we might run off to Hawaii together and not look back.

Maybe something will happen in our lives that will just end it all.

Maybe we'll visit each other every weekend from now on because it's that intense.

Hell if I know. But I gave her my diary anyways because right now she's cool to talk to (for hours). There are no expectations here... whatever happens, happens.

Risks, we have to take them. When we want to share a part of ourselves with someone else, it's a risk. But every gamble is a gain. This diary is a whole bunch of failed experiments with women. All that loss has created so much knowledge. The knowledge gained is used to create present beauty.

Ok, so Susan has my diary and as of right now there is no one I would rather spend my time with. I risk myself again, but I hope to be more competant than I was 2 years ago. I know I have more skill and heart than 2 years ago.

Infatuation must be in check.

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