2004-04-05-11:23 a.m.
OK, scratch that feeling better crap. I felt fine and then working Saturday night I felt the sickness come on. Never overshock your system... but that warning is in vain of course.

I think everyone else on campus is sick as well. Maybe the shock waves of Sturm und Drang hit everyone at the same time. The world is full of broken hearts, hurt heads, and wheezy sick people when it's all said and done.

But being sick is totally my own fault. I'm actually glad that I have limited breathing in my nose and a cough. It's a good reminder of finally growing up and learning.

It's been a year, but I finally made up with my parents. I've forgiven them for all the pain, sorrow, misunderstandings, pointless arguements, hurt feelings, cheap shots, and illogical points of views.

If you want to forgive someone you love, you have to figure out yourself first. That took me a little more than a year and this year has been HELL on an emotional level. Vanessa was the cherry on top but fortunately it was the conclusion of this cheessy drama I call life. I helped Mom with Passover dinner and we talked for many hours about how our lives were going.

I didn't hide anything anymore, that was also a relief. We have more stress when we keep secrets and our behavior changes when we try to keep the secret or the lie that dodges the real truth. I told my parents that I've stopped being religious. No half jewish stuff, no following only rules I like. The lie stops. I don't like religion, I don't like a one-rule system, I don't like philosophy that will give me the secrets of life. Jewish people in general live a lie- they go half way with the Torah. That's called being subjective with a law book. So now I'm an Agnostic: the idea of heaven and God is too high and complicated to comtemplate.

And anyone who does is making a theory to his own satisfaction.

My parents don't understand this and when they bring up religion I tell them to stop. I don't want to argue. It's pointless now.

I'm now the worst thing possible according to the Torah: I'm a Jew who learned Torah and kept the commandments and totally rejected them after learning them.

If anything I should have a bounty on my head and the Jewish police will be gunning for me. I gave my mother ulcers, I think. Children can't help but break a parents heart (or give them ulcers) because they in a sense are radically different from their parents growing up.

Now... according to the big wigs in the psych-sciences, we are 80% similar to our parents (as in our choices in life will be just like them and so will our behaviors) and the 20% is our own. If you live your life by numbers, fine. Condemn yourself now. But life is meant to live as if there are no factors stopping you. I do a lot of crazy shit my father would never do now. But I'm sure when he was 21 he was probably similar to myself.

Right now I'm a crazy messed up kid who could care less about any type of God, Satan, or Buddha. I think when I have a family though I might return to Jewish practices. No, I won't be religious again and I won't go to shul (don't EVEN get me started on to a prayer group where many jewish people meet under a single roof) but I like the idea of sitting down with my family for a Friday night meal or having the Sedar with people I love or even making funny masks for Purim.

It's not for religion though, it would be for the values they foster. Because right now, my Mom thinks I'm slowly turning into a hooligan.

Of course that's why the Jewish Cops are after me. Anyone who gives up the Torah instantly turns into a bad-guy. No if-ands-or buts. So I have a stigma over me, I'll have to prove that wrong.

I believe in the good in humanity- watch me change the world.

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