2004-04-02-12:57 p.m.
Ideally it would be best never to shock your system with depression. Yesterday, my throat was sore for the entire day. It feels better now.

I still feel upset but I'm past the entire issue. I smile and laugh, but now I'm trying to harden up my emotions. I'm trying to really focus on myself, let the outside world move past me.

People try to cut me off all the time in traffic and that use to piss me off. Now it doesn't really bother me.

I'm trying not to talk so much, give my mind and doubts a breather. Sometimes I'm thinking 2 steps ahead of what I'm trying to say which messes up my speech. Now I don't really talk at all or just wait for someone else to start a conversation. I'd rather be listening for once, I need to work on that. I use to start conversations all the time because no one else knew how to really start one. Now I'm just going to step back, not feel the pressure to actually say something. A lot of speech isn't worth saying anyways. Of course, it's very hard not to make jokes. So far in workshop, my humor is being compared to Kafka's dark humor. He's Jewish and he lives in a dark view of life. I guess we could be related.

I'm trying to work on being solemn. I'm getting close to having my own life away from my parents. I'll get a well paid job, my own little hut on the beach, a cot to sleep on (for the British readers, that would be a cheap ass bed) and everything will be good. My friends say I'm a bullshitter. I just joke around, and it's random nonsensicalness. We just kill ourselves when we numb our brains from focus and when we talk about nothing.

Not starting a convo and looking mellow might bother some people for a bit. But at least I won't be branded a fool. And my mind will be able to focus for once in my life.

Today I saw an attractive server, I think she might have had an engagement ring on (but it was the right hand.) I liked her, so I left my number. People have to move on, even if the experience is locked inside them forever. No endeavor is a waste. I know she won't call but it was something I can say that I did and that I tried.

Nothing wrong with a good story.

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