2004-03-30-9:46 p.m.
I didn't ask, because Lisa asked for me and she said,

Lisa: "Well, Vanessa said she doesn't date younger guys and your not her type."

That broke my heart into a fragments. And I was angry, confused, and upset. Lisa basically said don't kill the messenger and I went to my room, sat down, wanted to break something.

Then cried for 5 minutes.

Yah, that does sound girly. I have a lot of heartbreak in my life. I've cried over my parents and I cried over Vanessa. I had too many emotions... I need a way to let go. So I cried.

And crying works to relieve stress, but I don't cry often. Maybe once every year and a half. I guess every year the emotions are too much. But everyone should cry, for themselves. Clear the system and start over.

I still feel upset, but not as upset. I played Indian Flute outside. I haven't done that in months, I got some tape to cover the cracks in the wooden pipe. I nicknamed my Indian Flute "Joyes" cause I always feel better when I play it (also more of a joke to name a flute). I felt a little better... sorta. I'm not really into the Indian Flute sound though. It's too high pitched.

Then I saw Ann-Marie walk by and talked with her.

Ann-Marie: "25 is too old. That's like you dating a teenager. Not going to happen right? Besides, whatever excuse she says means "no", your just lucky you didn't get the mean rejection."

I now have no expectations or hopes for the future. I guess that's a good thing, now I can get some work done. I've never cried over someone before. I feel broken... and I have a history test tommorow morning I've barely studied for.

I feel like a man who's car broke down in the desert and now he has nowhere to go. Each direction is just as distant and similar. I put all my poker chips on this bid and I lost it all.

I hate dropping to the bottom, because I have to climb back to where I was before. The bottom being that I'll be alone forever. That sounds silly, but at times like these, that almost sounds true. Vanessa was a gem, not like any of the girls I've meet before.

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