2004-03-29-2:02 p.m.
I wrote this last night. I think too much. Sorry about the change in tense.

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Love is at every moment heartbreak. Love isn't an idea or a philosophy, it's a state of being. You can't want anger, you can only be angry to be called angry. You can't want love because it's not love, it's called Desire instead.

Love is at every moment heartbreak. I'm not talking about the rejection by a person, which is a one time twist of the knife in your soul. Being in Love is constant pangs. It hurts at every moment you draw any attention to that person. And its a drug. We want that pain because if we didn't then why do we keep going back to it? The rejection is a single shot of pain but that's not what we are afraid of. We are afraid of our love (or a desire) ending. We don't want it to end, we don't want to realize that we have to move on. We then never tell that person about our love and we choose to live in torture.

We would rather live in love pangs then realize the truth of a situation. Love is a disease, a drug.

Then just ask? Thinking about it makes me sick. It's like walking inside a dark tunnel having not a clue about the other side. I have no idea what the person I'm going to ask is thinking/feeling. This could destroy the reality, the saftery zone I'm comfortable in. This could reveal what I don't want to know. But I don't know how she feel, and I need to know.

Then we make excuses to push off asking. "Its not the right moment," we say. We look for clues, words, smiles, touches, anything to support our claim. We then worry- when she is talking to another guy alone or when she doesn't have time to talk. Love- it makes good judgement and sense go away. But we have doubts and there isn't enough proof to support our hope. Its never enough to rest our minds.

And if you don't ask? She'll never know. I guess sending in a 3rd person to inquire sounds ok but it would be better/stronger if you asked yourself. Just let go. This is like hanging from a cliff. You don't want to let go but you can't hang there forever and if you let go your greatest fear is realized: falling into the abyss.

But have you ever fallen before? To just let go and fall. It's amazing.

But I'm scared, I've never been this scared before. I've never had to admited that I was scared, but I am. I'd rather fight Jason Sensei or Master Q then ask.

And if you don't ask? Then the only question left would be- what if? Life can change with a single word: creation and destruction. If you never ask, what if? Could you bear to see her with the guy who did ask? If that happened, it would just be best to move to a foreign country to forget that horrible episode in your life.

I have to do this- I have no choice. This needs to be done. I have to ask. Even if the Truth is what I fear, my heart will be free. The experience of free fall, this one question, will add a year to my life.

Everything is going to change when I ask. I'm scared.

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