2004-02-13-12:08 p.m.
Teenage girl entry starting...

Now

I was talking with my friend Nada while studying for my Psych Lab test. Nada had a friend named Sarah at the other table in the library. Nada went on her way and 5 minutes later Sarah came over to my table and asked if I would watch her stuff while she went to get some coffee.

I said yes and she offered about 4 times to get me a drink. I declined. We talked, turns out Sarah is a pretty cool girl. She's beautiful, mostly because she has a lot of persian in her. When she striaghtens out her jet black hair, it really looks like silk.

We've been hanging out a lot for the past 2 days now. Saw some alarm bells though. She's a Pot smoker (this really isn't a problem, it's just all that anti-drug programing from childhood.) She's also on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills, more genetic then enviromental from what I can tell so far, because she is really an upbeat, talkive person (yah, that could be the meds as well.) But taking drugs isn't a problem for me either, because if you have a chemical imbalance, what the fuck can you do?

We all want to be perfect... the blemishs of others scare us. If people get along together, then why should the problems scare people away?

The biggest alarm bell is that she is fucking one dude named Spencer. It's a "friends with benefits" deal. He gets laid, she gets laid... everybody is happy because they can just walk away. I can't think of a reason why friends with benefits is wrong. It's just not loving, that's it. If I had a hot friend and she was ready to go... who wouldn't?

So Sarah talks to me about her dates with people she "might" like and about Spencer who she's fucking. At first I didn't care, then I got jealose. I mean, really jealose. We started talking about this Spencer guy (who's cheating on his gf who lives in Cali) and I couldn't think of a good excuse NOT to get laid. I mummbled something about "it's irresponsible."

Jealosy... if you like someone, you don't want to imagine they are sleeping with other people. You HATE the fact that the person you like would just fuck some guy for the sake of fucking. And I can't hide my emotions. When I'm upset, my face radiants with saddness. This whole month, when my mind isn't busy, I've been sad. I think I should be the one on anti-depressants. Then everone can think that I'm mentally fucked up.

I can't help how I feel, I want to be attached. I feel like some crack whore who gets slapped around but still wants to love that person. Tell her how I really feel? I guess, maybe just face reality and have my heart-expectations shattered again. I've had bad experiences with love, probably why when my face relaxes I just look naturally sad.

I just have to push it away... it's only been 2 days. That's what I done my entire life, all my experiences are ingrained in me. I can function in life and have fun... but those slight moments that remind me, my heart breaks over and over again.

"You were always smiling, real friendly like, but the way you smiled was so empty it hurt to watch you." (Trigun)

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